So pretty, so smart, such a waste of a young heart.

What a pity, what a sham, what’s the matter with your man?

Don’t you see what’s wrong, can’t you get it right?

Outta mind, and outta sight

Call on all your girls, don’t forget the boys, put a lid on all that noise…

I’m a satellite heart

Lost in the dark.

I’m spun out so far, you stop I start

But I’ll be true to you.

I hear you’re living out of state,

Runnin in a whole new scene…

You know I haven’t slept in weeks

You’re the only thing I see.

I know I’ve been doing lots of text posts but it helps me out.
So last night I spoke with my mom, and it felt amazing. I was able to tell her things I haven’t been able to confess to anyone else, and she did not judge me or make me feel guilty about anything. She suggested a few things to try to deal with everything that’s going on emotionally and mentally in my life, and things to do so I can get some sleep.
I seriously haven’t felt this kind of support in a long time, and it’s my fault for not going to my mom sooner. I suppose I just didn’t want to worry her. But she’s got a lot of experience concerning these kinds of situations, as she recently went through something similar.

I no longer feel ashamed of HOW I feel, and can accept it as it is. I have been under a lot of pressure for a long time now, without getting any real rest. Sure, I close my eyes and check out for a few hours, but that is not really resting. I think my brain is going through a lot of prolonged stimulation and it’s getting “over-capacity”. It also doesn’t help that my bed is very uncomfortable and I’m constantly in pain because of it.

I’ve also started to formulate a plan, from today on, to deal with what’s happening inside my walls. I’ve set a controlled schedule for thinking about a certain subject, for about 15 minutes, and then forcing myself to focus on other things for at least four hours, and then have another thinking session. Part of this plan is short term, and part of it is long term. I’m going to wait until November to fully realize this plan, but in my mind I have two outcomes: 1. it gets better and no drastic change need be employed or 2. it is the same or worse, in which case, drastic change will be employed.

And so, I am going away to Medford on the weekend after the term is over, and I’m staying there until I feel ready to come back. Of course, I’ll have to be back before my first day of summer classes, but having an open end to my trip makes me feel better because then I’ll have time to decompress, relax, have fun, see my friends, see my family, and work on improving my mental state.

As for the photoshoot this weekend…well now I feel silly for setting such high standards on that event. BUT I did find a replacement model, a girl I’ve known for a while and find interesting. I hope I can capture some essence of her personality and have something nice to deliver.

Well, that’s all for today, wish me luck. I woke up this morning determined to make changes for myself. Time to be selfish again.